A Letter To My Daughter

You are a strong woman. Don't let him tell you otherwise. Stand up and don't be afraid. You can do this.

 No matter what he says or how hard he hits, he cannot keep you down. Walk away. You have a lot of people who will help you, who will fight for you and your children. But you cannot be afraid to take those first steps.

Don't let him scare you with his threats. He is nothing but a coward. A real man would not threaten to take a child away from her mother. A real man would not threaten you with mommy and daddy's money. A real man does not use his fists when he doesn't get his way. He is nothing.

Find the strength within yourself to walk away. You need to do this for yourself and your children.

Don't be afraid to tell others how he treats you. He does not deserve to be protected. Scream it out that he hurts you, that he threatens you. People will listen. People will be there to help you.

Please walk away. I love you too much to see you go through this. It is killing me to know that I cannot fix everything for you. But even though I can't take it all away, I will be there to help you through it. I will hold your hand through it all. You just need to take those first steps and don't look back. Take your baby and go. Leave everything else behind. We can always replace "stuff". We cannot replace you.

You are a strong woman. You can do this. I love you.

I'm Finally There!

I have wanted to be a midwife for a long time.

I started my training as a childbirth educator back in 1992 and as I got deeper into the childbirth community, the desire to become a midwife has gotten stronger. Unfortunately, due to life's little bumps, I've had to put this dream on the back burner for some time. But now the time has come to move forward.

I found out yesterday that I have been accepted into the Certified Nurse Midwifery/Women's Health Nurse Practitioner program at Georgetown University! Classes begin August 8th! I am so excited!

I will be going part-time to make it a little easier to juggle family life with school. Since my husband travels quite often and I still have a little one that is not in school yet, I decided it would be best to take it slow. It should take about 2 years to complete the program. No matter, I am so happy that I am finally to this point! I finally see the prize at the end!  49 credits and 900 clinical hours is all the stands between me and my dream! It has been worth the wait!!!!

Accomplishments....

Today, after I finished exercising, it was time for me to go take a shower.  Sebastian, my almost 3 year old, usually likes to join me while I shower. So I told the kids I was heading upstairs to shower and I asked Sebastian if he was coming. Of course, he jumped up and started heading up the stairs.

I let the dogs out and then headed up behind him.  As I turned the corner, Sebastian was already reaching the top step. As he climbed the final step, he turned around and looked at me with a huge smile. He pumped his fists in the air and yelled "Yay, I did it!" I couldn't help but smile.

Seeing him do this really got me thinking. I wish I was the type of person that could celebrate every little accomplishment. I tend to be the type of person that follows along the lines of "Go big or go home".  It would be nice if I would allow myself to relish in the small accomplishments. Maybe if I did, I wouldn't feel so defeated at times.

I think the next time I accomplish something, even if it is something I've done a million times or something that doesn't seem to make much of a difference, I'm going to pump my fists in the air and yell "Yay, I did it!" Maybe with a little practice, I'll start to feel like it matters.

Looking For a Job...

I've been a stay at home mom (for the most part) for quite some time now.  As much as I enjoy spending time with my kids, I feel like I would really like to go back to work full time.

I've recently started looking for a job and hope I can find something that I would enjoy doing. Of course I'm hoping it will be in nursing (don't want to waste all the time and hard effort I put into my degree). I don't want to be too picky but I also want to find something that I can look forward to doing everyday.

I am excited about the idea of going back to work. Getting to use my nursing skills would be nice. It would be nice to have a little extra money as well. And getting out of the house and being able to talk to others about something other than Spongebob would be wonderful!

So far I've put in one application. I've got to find the right job that will work with my husband's schedule since he travel's a bit. I'm not sure what my chances are of getting this particular job...probably not too good, but I figured it couldn't hurt to try.

I'm really hoping it doesn't take too long to find something. Even though I'm a little (okay, alot) nervous about going back to work, I'm really looking forward to starting this new chapter in my life.

A Mother Knows

My daughter is getting married today. It should be a joyous occasion. I should be happy for her. But I am not.

He is not the right man for her. She is not happy. He hurts her. She denies this and puts a smile on her face. But I am her mother. And a mother knows when her children are not happy. A mother knows when her children are hiding something.

This afternoon I will sit and watch her father walk her down the aisle. I will hope she will turn around and run the other way but I fear she will not. She will walk to this man and become his wife. Her future will not be a happy one. I know this. I am her mother. A mother knows when her children are walking into a mistake. Unfortunately there is very little I can do.

I've already expressed my concern to her. I've told her I think she is making a mistake. I've asked her to reconsider. She tells me not to worry. She tells me she'll be fine. She tells me she is happy. She tells me they love each other. But I am her mother. I know otherwise.

So as they say their "I do's", I will watch with a heavy heart. The tears I will cry will not be tears of happiness. I will watch her go down this path only to get hurt. But I will be waiting. Waiting to help her pick up the pieces. Waiting to help her get her life back. Because I am her mother. And a mother knows when her children will need her most.

Puppets, caterpillars, & robots!

Since Mark had drill today, my plan for the day was to take the kids to the playground after lunch and spend the afternoon outdoors. When I woke up this morning, the sun was shining but by the time lunchtime came around, I could see the dark clouds in the distance and I knew we wouldn't be able to go to the playground as promised.

So what could we do instead??

After lunch we read a couple of books that we bought yesterday at the book fair at Eric's school. Then we curled up on the couch and watched a movie. After the movie, I pulled out the craft box and let our creative juices flow.

 

We started off making some paper bag puppets!

                        Then moved on to a spring time theme and made some caterpillars and flowers!

 

And Eric had to have a robot.....

It is now close to dinner time and the rain has moved out. The sun is shining again. I'm sure we'll be heading outside soon. Even so, the rain didn't put a damper on our fun!

Boobs!

I still currently nurse my 2 1/2 year old. He is my 5th child. My older children are very use to seeing me nurse. I tend to only nurse him at home now and because we are home, I don't bother trying to be discreet. Sometimes though this leads to interesting conversations in my house. For example, the other day we were all outside and Sebastian wanted to nurse so he climbed up on my lap, pulled my shirt up and started nursing. Eric (my 6 year old) decided he wanted to draw and ran inside and got some paper and a pen. The following conversation ensued....

Eric: I'm going to draw a picture of us. Mom, I'm going to draw your boobs! (giggles)

Me: Why are you drawing my boobs? (A little worried about what type of picture he is drawing...lol)

Eric: Because...

Me: Well we all have boobs. Why don't you draw yours?

Eric: Because they're not big like yours! (giggles)

Me: Oh. Well you know why they are big, right?

Eric: Because you have milk in them for Sebastian.

Me (feeling a little better about the direction this is going): Yes, mommy has milk for Sebastian.

I was happy to see his drawing and the normalcy in which he views breastfeeding.....

Eric, Nathan, Mark, Me nursing Sebastian!

                                

My new backyard friends....

One of the things that I enjoyed in Ohio was my huge backyard. We always got a ton of squirrels! I know it's not recommended, but I would feed them on a regular basis. They would always come back and I would enjoy watching them run and play in the yard. They were quite entertaining. I swear, we had the fattest squirrels in the neighborhood!

Since we've moved to Florida, I haven't seen too many squirrels. Our yard is much smaller now and we haven't had one squirrel come visit us. I think the only place I've seen them running around is at the zoo. Probably because of all the trees and places to hide.

Even though I do miss my squirrel friends, I have come across a few new backyard friends that have been keeping us entertained.... some friends that I don't think I ever expected to see and probably never would have in Ohio (at least not in my backyard!).....

Getting into shape...other than round!

Now that we are pretty much settled in our new home, I've made the commitment to lose this extra weight I've gained over the last few months.

Problem is, I really don't like to exercise. I enjoy going for walks but at a leisurely pace, not a pace that would really burn any calories. I hate bike riding and I can barely swim so those are not good options for me. I find the treadmill to be boring. Running is something I would consider but I need to find a really good sports bra first. My boobs are just to big to run comfortably without one. I am not into sports so much....I feel I am not coordinated enough to do something like tennis or aerobics class.

So what am I to do??? I opted for an elliptical trainer. We recently invested in an elliptical machine and I'm hoping I can stay motivated enough to continue doing it. It's tolerable and doesn't require much coordination though I'm afraid I'll get bored with it like I would with a treadmill. I'm trying to keep in mind the health benefits of getting in shape and how much better I'll feel once I lose weight. I'm also hoping my daughter's upcoming wedding will be enough to keep me going!

Why does losing weight and getting in shape have to be so much work? I know it'll be worth it in the end but it just seems like such a chore.  It's so much easier putting the weight on.

Enjoying the view.....

I really like Florida!

Discovery.....

"Dad, is the moon made of cheese?"......

A Somber Weekend.

Mark was suppose to have drill this weekend. He left Friday morning and I didn't expect to see him again until Sunday. When he called late Friday afternoon to ask if his dress shoes were anywhere to be found, I was a bit surprised. He was out in the field. What did he need dress shoes for?

He told me he had been selected for a temporary duty assignment and would be home soon. What assignment would pull him away from drill and require his Class A's? Not a good one. He was chosen to be a Casualty Assistance Officer.

The duties of the Casualty Assistance Officer are to help a family that has suffered the recent loss of a soldier.

After the family was notified Friday night, Mark contacted them to help prepare them for their trip to Dover for the arrival of their soldier. His duties include being the contact person in case the family has any questions regarding the process and what happens once their soldier is returned home.

Even though we do not personally know this family or soldier, it is a sad time. My heart goes out to them. We, of course, cannot know the full extent of what they are going through but this has had an effect on us. It brings us back to the realization that there is still a war going on. People are still dying.

It is a sad time. A sad time for the family. A sad time for us. A sad time for our country.

No internet...what a pain!

This past week we did not have internet connection! When Mark cut the grass the other day, he accidentally cut the cable to the phone/internet. It took the phone company until today to come out and fix it. It's not til it's gone that you realize how dependent you are on it!

I tend to do a lot on the computer. From banking to shopping and even some socializing! With the internet down, I've been very limited in what I could do. For the important things that needed to get done, I would sign on through my cell phone company. I also sneaked a peek at a couple of my social networks but I didn't want to do that too much. I'm not sure how much the phone company charges if I go over my data usage and I didn't want to take the chance of finding out!

I'm glad to be back online. Now that the internet is fixed and I'm pretty much unpacked, I'm hoping to get more time to blog among other things!

Lunch on the Beach!

One very curious little boy.....

One french fry......

Some very hungry and eager seagulls.....

Lunch on the beach.........

Getting Settled.

Well, we finally made it. We are in Florida.

It's been a busy week. The movers came and packed us up and then we were on the road to our new home.

Mark did a great job finding a house for us to rent. The neighborhood is great and so far everyone we've met is very friendly!

We've been working on getting settled in and finding our way around. We've managed to get quite a bit of unpacking done but still have a garage full of boxes to sort and go through. I'm so glad I got rid of a lot of stuff before we moved! Since Mark is home from work this week and the kids are home form school, we also decided on enjoying some much needed family time. We spent an afternoon at the beach and another at the zoo.

Although our things are here and we are starting to settle in, it still doesn't feel "real" yet. I'm sure once the kids get back into school and Mark goes back to work, I'll find a routine. Then it will feel more like home. Even so, I'm enjoying being here and am glad we made the move.

Florida or Bust!

Well, the time has finally come! We sold the house in Ohio and the family is getting ready to move down to Florida! It's going to be a busy few weeks getting everything ready to go and then getting settled in a new home.

I am feeling so many emotions at the moment.

I am, of course, very happy to finally be moving. It's been a long few months with Mark living in Florida while the rest of us were still here in Ohio. It will be nice to be together again.

I am also a bit sad. My two oldest kids will be staying here in Ohio. They are both adults and I can't expect them to pack up their lives and follow me wherever I go! They have their lives here. I will miss them both and my grandson very much! I'm sure they'll come down to visit when possible but it will be hard only seeing them a couple times throughout the year.

I am also feeling a bit nervous and excited! Starting all over is never easy. I will need to become familiar with the area and try to make new friends. I've gotten comfortable here in Ohio but it's now time to move on and start something new. It's a bit scary and exciting all at once!

I worry a little about my three younger kids. Change isn't easy for anyone. I hope it isn't too difficult for them to start over in a new school and a new neighborhood. I hope they adjust quickly and make new friends. I will do what I can to make the transition for them as easy as possible. I hope they like Florida!

I'll need to remember to take one day at a time and just go with the flow.  I'm sure in the beginning it will be a little difficult but in no time, Florida will feel like home!

The Big 4 0

Yep! In just a few days I will be celebrating my 40th birthday. It's kind of hard to believe! I remember when my mom turned 40 and now I'm turning 40??!! When did I grow up?!

I'm not sure how I feel about this impending birthday. Is 40 considered old these days? I surely don't feel old...at least most of the time! Lots of people say 40 isn't old...but then, they're usually older than 40 so does it count that they think it's still young?

I feel like there is still so much that I haven't done in life. Stuff that I should have accomplished by now. There's been so many setbacks in the past but I suppose there is still plenty of time to get things done.

They tell me it gets better as you get older. I guess that means I still have something to look forward to! I hope they're right!  We'll see!

Comfort.

I remember lying in bed on warm summer nights when I was younger, the windows of my bedroom open, listening to the sounds of a train passing through in the distance. I would hear the sound of the wheels on the tracks and then the whistle blow as it sped on.

I remember feeling very connected to that sound. To me, it was a sad but also hopeful sound. It reminded me of how I felt. Lonely, traveling through life on my own, but with the hope of going somewhere. Somewhere far away from it all.

To this day, I still find the sound of a train passing through town very comforting.

Lazy Day.....

Today school was cancelled because of the bad weather! All 4 boys are home!

My original plan for the day, had they gone to school, was to get most of my housework done. But I've decided to make today a lazy day!

I'll let the kids stay in their pj's if they like. We'll read stories and watch movies! Maybe do a little baking! We'll put the music on and dance! I won't stress about the house and the dirty dishes in the sink!

                                                            

Good Friends.

Before moving to Ohio many years ago, I had a great group of friends. They were the type of friends that I could call on when I needed something, they were a shoulder to cry on, we use to get together and have a blast.

We would call each other on the phone and make plans to get together with the kids. While the kids played, we would drink our tea and talk. We would spend the whole day together, sometimes even running into dinnertime. So we'd throw something on the grill or order pizza and the play date continued! We would do this any day of the week, not just at scheduled play groups. It was so relaxed and fun.

On weekends, our families would get together and spend the day just hanging out. Sometimes at the beach or sometimes in a backyard with a campfire. And every once in awhile we would go out, just grown-ups! We weren't just friends because of the kids.

I miss those days. Since moving to Ohio, I have not found friends like that. I've met people here, good people, but I've not formed the type of friendships I had back home. Lots of moms here get together at scheduled play groups and activities with their kids, but that's not what I want. I want real friendships....not just the 10 am-noon play group type. That's not to say I haven't attended groups and activities. I have. It just never became anything more than that.

It's been tough not having any really close friends. As I said, I've met some great people here, but none that I feel really comfortable with calling and asking them to come over and keep me company because I'm lonely. It would be great to have someone just call and tell me they'll come take the kids for awhile so I can get a break! Thankfully, it won't be much longer and I'll be moving. It's a good thing...I don't know how much longer I could go without losing my sanity!!!!!

I hope once I get settled in my new home I'll be able to make some close friendships. It'll be a fresh start. I can't wait!!!

PMS

If I'm lucky, I get to PMS once a month.

I really need to find more time to PMS.

Maybe if I had more time to PMS I wouldn't feel so tired and cranky!!!!!

Of course, I need to find activities that would encourage me to PMS.

What about you???? What do you do for PMS?????

                      

                                          Preserve           My           Sanity